I first heard about Paula Deen years ago through my mother. I’ll paraphrase this now archived tip from Mrs. B,”You need to check out The Paula Deen show. Last week, I watched an episode where she stuffed a beer can up a chicken’s butt. I called Julie and was like, turn on the Food Network!”

I was mildly grossed out, but intrigued. Was it dirty or delicious to shove a beer can up a bird’s rear end?  To think that I had never had “Beer Can Chicken”, and now it’s one of my all time favorite meals. The more I watched, the more I started to rate butter right up there with bacon and  wine. Why hadn’t I thought about putting a stick of butter and shoving a beer can into all my meals? Genius!

No Reservations host Bourdain told TV Guide Magazine: “The worst, most dangerous person to America is clearly Paula Deen.” And he added: “She revels in unholy connections with evil corporations and she’s proud of the fact that her food is fucking bad for you […] plus, her food sucks.”

I felt sympathy for Deen when Anthony Bourdain practically shoved a can of PBR up her lady pooper. Hey, Tony! she’s no spring chicken, and Paula’s at an age where the gals in her book club all cook with Campbell’s soup, and lard. Just be nice!

Said Deen: “I have no idea what Anthony has done to contribute besides being irritable.”

Deen slammed Bourdain as an elitist. “You know, not everybody can afford to pay $58 for prime rib or $650 for a bottle of wine,” she said. “My friends and I cook for regular families who worry about feeding their kids and paying the bills. … It wasn’t that long ago that I was struggling to feed my family, too.”

Via Twitter, Bourdain countered that Deen is “hardly the worst person in America, just the most destructive influence on Food Network.”

This little foodie fight made me think they could use a mediator.

I’m so over this crap with the troops asking out celebrities. Boring!

Americans are angry and over sappy stuff.

What I want to see is an ugly brawl where the chefs get scarred for life.

I propose that Deen and Bourdain bring their cooking skills to my Berwyn bungalow (Berwyn has a well deserved reputation for fisticuffs and pugilistic excellence) where I will allow them to cook for me. I will be an unbiased judge and even wear a blindfold like a Pepsi or Coke test. If my kitchen is too small, I’ll fire up the grill and we can take it outside.